Spam Subject Lines as New Year’s Resolutions

Once again, I’m avoiding work. So, I have started to think about New Year’s resolutions. And I avoided doing that by cleaning residual spam out of my email inbox. Then it hit me: Why go to all the trouble to think up resolutions myself, when the spammers have already done just that? If the subject lines of my highly-personalized spam can be believed (and I think they can), spammers have both insight into my personal deficits and some specific advice for improvement.

So, here is my New Year’s resolution list, following (as word-for-word as possible) the suggestions implied by my most recent spam subject lines:

1. I resolve to become the IT consultant of perfect love making art.¹
2. I will make a stronger effort to confirm upon delivery.²
3. I will brand some Swiss watches.³
4. I will attain a huge love luger.⁴
5. I will upsize my manhood today!⁵
6. I resolve to gain inches the easy way.⁶
7. I shall represent female Viagra for most pleasure.⁷
8. When facing a love making problem, I will solve all myt problems in a few minute.⁸
9. I will strive to make the impression of a well off person on everybody.⁹
10. I will please approve or deny.¹⁰
11. I will stop certain bacterial infections forever.¹¹
12. I resolve to choose my own price.¹²
13. When there are girls around, I will be ready.¹³
14. When my wife need my attention, I will solve all problems with IT.¹⁴
15. I will remember that any women will jump into the abyss for a man that wears a Submariner SS watch (and act accordingly).¹⁵
16. I resolve to become perfect design and very easy in use.¹⁶
17. I shall get tips for better enhancing.¹⁷
18. I will MS Office 2007 OEM full version.¹⁸
19. I will take her everywhere.¹⁹
20. I resolve to receive from life all.²⁰

[Notes: I took the spam subject lines in order, modified them (where necessary) for grammatical fit, and had to leave out a few that didn't really suggest obvious resolutions (like "Hey, are you the guy who can not make love?") and those that were just too crude for public dissemination. Also, I stopped at 20, despite the fact that some promising items appeared later: "huge love luger," "make sure it works," "failure notice," and an email from Brittany Spears herself.]

1. This metaphor isn’t really working for me, but I don’t want to offend any Don Juan IT folks out there, so I’ll go with it. [↩]
2. This is just good sense, really. [↩]
3. ? [↩]
4. Okay… I get that this is some kind of penis reference, but “luger?” Is there some subcategory of fetishists in the world who fantasize about Nazi weaponry as metaphors for body parts? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. [↩]
5. Problematic. Sure, it could just be a penis thing, but let’s give the spammers the benefit of the doubt. Am I just not masculine enough? Do I need to spend more time lumberjacking and belching and cat-calling women and herding cattle? Should I take it more literally, like a request that I increase my weight training while packing in the protein powder? [↩]
6. I’m already achieving this goal, thanks to Amanda’s Nanaimo Bars. They have about 10,000 calories each. [↩]
7. This is right out; I already have a career, and I prefer to be paid with some form of government-recognized currency. [↩]
8. This resolution is vague in several ways. Is this a response to a sexual performance issue (and if so, whose?), or is it some sort of problem that actually results in the creation of love? The second option is far more interesting, but could be pretty complicated. In any case, I think it’s a recipe for disaster, in demanding that I solve the problem immediately (and with poor spelling), but with no workable plan of action. [↩]
9. This really doesn’t seem reasonable, and I’d rather understand hyphenation than appear affluent, anyway. [↩]
10. Like #2, quite reasonable, really. [↩]
11. If I can pull it off, I suppose I’ll win a Nobel Prize or something. [↩]
12. A pretty good gig, if I can make it work. [↩]
13. I’m confident this is already taken care of, if my rendition of “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” on Rock Band at Scott & James’ party last night is any indication. Oh wait, maybe it’s actually parenting advice for our future family. That’s a different story. [↩]
14. Actually, I’ve learned that sometimes she really just wants some hugging and kissing, instead of computer advice. [↩]
15. I now realize the awesome power (and dreadful responsibility) of certain male fashion accessories. [↩]
16. A nasty combination of perfectionism and low self-esteem — should I just get an eating disorder, then? [↩]
17. This hairstyle sounds a little too 2002. [↩]
18. No, I really won’t. [↩]
19. Both Alex and I would enjoy this, though our already-stressed travel budget would collapse before we made it out of Europe. [↩]
20. Either beautiful in its Zen-like holism, or it’s a recipe for rampant psychopathy [↩]