How to be a Poser… I mean Cyclist.

But first, some comic joy from Basic Instructions, a web comic that consistently makes me chuckle:

 [click for the full comic]

Note: this is not a commentary on my feelings for my wife, which are still quite positive, thank you. Now, on to…

How to be one kind of super-cool 21st-century cyclist

1. You’re going to ride a fixed-gear bike. You just are. Shut up.
2. Buy that $1,500 frame you’ve had your eye on. No, not the titanium frame. Not the aluminum frame. The steel frame. Steel is real, with its reality varying in direct proportion to its cost.
3. Drop a few hundred on track-approved cogs, hubs, pedals, bars, and wheels. But build it all up yourself (or pretend you did). It would be a violation of the cycling ethos to pay someone else to do it.
4. Avoid brakes. They add weight and ruin the graceful minimalism of your bicycle. Also, a demonstrated fear of death is the antithesis of cool.
5. Avoid derailleurs. You don’t need them. You may think you do, but you don’t. No questions.
6. No bike racks. See previous item.
7. Get a really good bike messenger bag (about $200). Better yet, make one out of $75 worth of materials you find at the fabric store, so you can keep in the do-it-yourself mindset. Better make it a huge bag; after all, you don’t have a bike rack. TIP: Make sure to wear your cool cycling clothes to the store, so nobody thinks you’re a sissy craft-type person. But don’t bike there; what would you carry your fabric home in…. a backpack? It’s important to think ahead.
8. Now that your bike is super-light, buy a Brooks saddle ($60 – $600) and add a couple of pounds. Get a pre-broken-in one for a few extra clams. Also get the leather protectant and a seat cover. And don’t ride in the rain. It will ruin your saddle.
9. No padded bike shorts. Sure, a Brooks will very possibly not make you impotent, but that’s not your concern. Bike culture is more important than your sex life, your wife’s sex life, or your potential progeny.
10. You’re going to need a new wardrobe. It will include a lot of hipster, punk-esque clothing that looks old but is expensive. Think like a BMXer: shop where the people who ride your kind of bike shop. After a while, you’ll recognize your in-crowd even if they are nowhere near their bikes (not that you’ll ever see them more than a few feet away from their bikes, but, you know, hypothetically).
11. Toss out your helmet, lights, reflectors, and pantleg clips. If you absolutely must commute on the thing of beauty you have created, you’ll just have to quit your current job and get one that allows you to wear those capri pants that all the cool fixie riders wear.
12. Fixed-gear bikes are very low-maintenance. You will come to appreciate the lack of extra parts as you clean and polish your fixie three times a week, in fear that another cool fixie rider might see the grimy state of your steed. Especially mortifying is if they recognize the bike from its photo on fixedgeargallery.com and note how the mighty have fallen.
13. Now, get out there and disobey some traffic laws and the dictates of your better judgment!

How to be another kind of super-cool 21st-century cyclist

1. Get a bike, or at least a frame. Dumpsters, thrift stores, abandoned lots, and your parents’ basement are great places to start looking. You may have to un-seize components, sand off some rust, or touch up with nail polish/spray paint.
2. Decide whether or not you want gears. If so, lube and adjust. If not, remove. Dust off your hands in a satisfied manner.
3. Keep at least one brake. Seriously, are you insane? Unless you’re really an actual bike messenger, or very interested in doing awesome bike tricks. AND you have excellent knees. And reaction time. And no family to grieve for you.
4. Get something to carry your work papers, gym clothes, or groceries. Racks, panniers, milk crates, backpacks, and messenger bags work. Make your own to save money and the planet. But remember: if it’s on your back, it’s more weight squashing your junk into your seat. Consider a rack.
5. Get a seat that neither hurts you nor makes you numb. Brooks saddles (I’ve heard) work for some folks this way, but not for others. Padded bike shorts can also help.
6. Get pantleg clips, if you work at one of those long-pants-type jobs. After all, if you’re not commuting on this bike, a large part of its benefit to the world (and you) is being wasted. Alternatively, attempt to make greasy pantlegs a fashion statement in your workplace.
7. Stock up on deodorant. You might want to keep some at work.
8. Start learning how to fix your own bike. Cause, seriously, it’s not usually that hard, and you can save money for things like… more bike stuff.
9. Wear your helmet. Use reflectors and lights after dark. Avoid antagonizing motorists (who will, nevertheless, still make a$$es of themselves sometimes). Otherwise, admit that you’re more interested in looking cool than actually being cool. Or being alive.
10. You should probably clean and lube your bike a couple of times per year.
11. Now, get out there and use your bike. NOTE: If you only use it for Critical Mass rides or doing tricks on the library steps, please mentally move yourself from the porteur to the poseur category.