Behold! I Have Conquered Pit Stains! I Share My Wisdom!

I believe it is no exaggeration to say that I now number among the giants of technology like Alexander Graham Bell and Whoever Invented That Huge Computer That Filled A Whole Stinking House Or Something. Yes, I have conquered pit stains.

I know it’s a gross topic, but it must be discussed. I have researched this issue, and I think my sweat has no more than average pit-staining properties. However, I sweat more than the average Joe, no matter what the temperature, and I live in a place where it’s at least kinda warmish or hottish for about seven months of the year and ridiculously unrealistically hot (with medium to stupid high humidity) for an additional three. So I get more than my fair share of sweaty armpit nastiness in my shirts, after a while. I know I’m not the only one who has this problem. I’ve seen others’ old T-shirts with the crusty, hardened, darkened fabric that has the Smell That Just Won’t Totally Go Away. I won’t name names, but that’s just because I may not be able to remember them. I’m old.

I have previously tried lots of things to kill the pit stains, recommended by well-meaning but ultimately useless posts on the web, articles in magazines, etc.:  vinegar solutions, detergent pre-soak, baking soda, alcohol, commercial products (Spray ‘n’ Wash, etc.), and even adding aspirin to water or vinegar solution. But now I tried something that works.

This most recent pitstain destruction experiment was was influenced by (a) blog posts from some smart people describing cleaning cloth diapers, (b) some nerds restoring yellowing plastic museum computer consoles to their original factory white, and (c) the observation that adding oxy-clean to vinegar makes for some fun laundry-time drama.

Without further ado, here’s the research report. The test subject was a shirt. Button-down camp-type short-sleeved shirt. Light, airy, entirely comfortable thin cotton fabric. I love that shirt. It had become infested with crusty, darker yellow stains in the pits, especially in those underarm seams. You know the ones. After 4 years of frequent wear, the stains were no longer just a color or smell; they were a tangible physical anomaly in the fabric, about as stiff as if I had massaged a thin layer of Elmer’s glue into the fabric and let it dry. Seriously. Kind of disgusting. The stain-crusties had proved resistant to washing, scrubbing, and all the attempted interventions I listed above. So I did the following:

1. Saturated the fabric (dunked it) in 100% white vinegar. Did not wring it out; wanted lots of vinegar. None of that wussy “solution” business you read about on home-helper-type websites. This was all vinegar.
2. Sprinkled (liberally) my local, cheap, generic version of Oxy-Clean on the affected areas of the fabric. It foamed, it got hot (as in “it-kinda-scared-me” hot), it made an enjoyable sizzling sound. It did not all dissolve at this point.
3. I scrubbed the oxy into the vinegar-saturated fabric like I was hand-washing nasty diapers. Next time I might use a scrub brush or nail brush with the fabric on a hard backing surface, to make sure it all gets down in the crevices. I applied the oxy to the inside of the shirt, where the sweat would presumably have first contact with the fabric. The gritty texture of the undissolved oxy was satisfying to grind into the recalcitrant, hardened armpit stains. Die! Die! Die! And like that. Actually, I didn’t scrub it for long. Maybe a minute or two.
4. Added a whole lotta (maybe 50% in the final solution?) Simple Green degreaser to the vinegar and swished around. Threw the shirt in there.
5. Put the shirt in the solution, made sure it was pretty well saturated and nearly covered with liquid, and let it soak for about a day. After a couple of hours I noticed the fabric had soaked up lots of the liquid, so I diluted it about 50/50 with water.
6. The next day, I wrung out the shirt and threw it in the washer with some other clothes.

When it came out of the wash, the pits were pristine in both color and texture, almost like brand new fabric. They were also fresh-smelling. Hooray!

I consider this merely a first experiment. There are several variables that need to be investigated. Parameters must be established. But it worked!

DISCLAIMERS: My hands seem unaffected, but still you might consider wearing dishwashing gloves. The fabric was 100% cotton, with a nice light-colored plaid print. I did not see signs of fading, bleaching, or discoloring, but I only tried this on one shirt, one time. YMMV. I do not know how this method would affect synthetics or any other fabric. I don’t know if the Simple Green was really necessary; I suspect not. I don’t know how strong the solution has to be, or how long it needs to sit. I don’t know if these fumes will kill you or cause your unborn baby to be born a horrible mutant freak unqualified for all but talk show hosting careers. So, obviously use this at your own risk. But it seemed to work, and since I did it I haven’t noticed any slurring of speech or mental confusiowhat are the spiders doing on my walls they are smiling at me wearing Charlie Chaplin masks and doing that weird dance with the potatoes on the forks and holy cow I’m translucent now gotta go