Don’t Flash Me, Bro!

I was at this flash fiction workshop today, and we did an exercise with lists (naturally this made me think of my sister-in-law, Susan) that I think produced bloggable results. I don’t claim this is some kind of high literature (this will become obvious); but it was fun to write, and perhaps it will be entertaining to someone else, as well.

Advice

You must not show mercy, but that’s not because you don’t have empathy; you simply have a job to do. You must not show fear, or he will use it to defeat you. It is best not to show anger, though you will be tempted; instead, try a tone of condescending cynicism.
When you send the woman, she must be the strongest, smartest, most beautiful woman you can find. you must not show mercy, even though everyone knows she will die. She has her job to do.
You must not kill him too quickly, or there will be no suspense. Your defenses must not be absolutely impregnable, no matter what the brochure says, or he will have no chance to demonstrate the superiority of Western technology. Your plan must not be perfectly devious, no matter what your IQ tests show, or he will have no opportunity to demonstrate the superiority of cleverness and homespun grit.
When you capture him, you must torture him. He will understand; he has a job to do. Often, you will have to torture the woman you sent to kill him, as well. Remember what I said about mercy. Your prison should have a hidden flaw; not too obvious, or he won’t respect you. You will capture him again, and he must truly believe that he will now die, or he may not find the strength to defeat you.
Though it seems unnecessary, you must explain your almost-perfectly-devious plan as he is placed in an overly complex and theatrical situation that should kill him, if all goes well. All must not go well.
Yes, it must be overly complex and theatrical; you must be who you are. Consider utilizing lasers, construction machinery, undersea environments, aerospace vehicles. Yes, you must explain your plan. Out loud. You owe him that much.
In the end, he must rescue a different woman, not as strong or as smart as the one you sent, though I’m sure she has her virtues. In the end, he must defeat you, for reasons too complex to explain here.
When you die, remember who you are. Scream a little. Writhe. Die badly. Give him a show. Then, you may want to find the woman you sent. Maybe she will forgive you.

In other news, I seem to be missing people, today. Especially my old internship friends, whom I haven’t seen for a year and a half. :(