1. Do not operate your vehicle without your cell phone held firmly to your ear. Driving without a cell phone in this configuration is highly dangerous; it could result in missing important updates from friends and family, such as: “Take a left on Tenth Street,” “So anyways I says to my baby momma…” or “I’m right here, girl! Where YOU at?” Do not be concerned about the alarmist “scientists” claiming this will cause you to murder innocent pedestrians, cyclists, drivers of smaller vehicles, or your own children in the back seat. First of all, it would probably be manslaughter, not murder. Second, anyone with a cell phone knows that its use *heightens* your attentional focus. Without a cell phone conversation–no matter how unimportant– to keep you alert, you might become so bored while driving that you drive right into a theater full of nuns, children and kittens. Do you want that on your conscience? I didn’t think so. A phone conversation while you have passengers hones your focus to an even sharper point. Texting while driving practically makes you a fighter pilot on Adderall. Plus, if you do happen to make one of the astronomically rare mistakes people are alleged to occasionally make while talking/texting/websurfing and driving, your phone is right there so you can call a lawyer about those bogus manslaughter charges.
2. Drive a really big truck, no matter what. As we all learned in school, farmers and ranchers make up 90% of the American population, they are the best people on earth, and everyone should want to be like them. Therefore, we all need to drive their vehicles, to show our solidarity with this agricultural majority. It is also a well-known fact that, in a collision between a large truck and a small car, those in the latter vehicle are more likely to die. Do you want YOUR children to die? Then you need a big truck, so someone else’s children will die. If they’re in one of those fuel-efficient deathtraps, they’re probably from out of state, anyway. No biggie. But wait, you say, my own children don’t all fit in the cab of an F-350. No problem! Some big cars are called “SUVs,” embodying all the fuel inefficiency and homicidal potential of big trucks, with none of their ruggedness. These are an acceptable substitute for a true truck. As another alternative, remember that seatbelt laws and “children in the bed of your truck at 70mph” laws are not the kind of laws honest people need to worry about (see rule #4), leaving you multiple options for fitting your children in your pickup. Some people will tell you that we increase our dependence on foreign oil and multinational corporations by driving fuel-inefficient vehicles. Nothing could be farther from the truth! If we burn enough oil, those foreign terrorist-type nations will eventually run out, and then they will go broke and pose no threat to our way of life. And corporations? Please! Corporations are our friends, and we exist in a happy symbiosis with them that can only be disturbed if we question their ability to make us buy their products. So, every time you see an angry look on the driver of a freedom-hating, fuel-sipping weenie car as you park your huge truck diagonally across three spots at the grocery store, remember that terrorist lovers like that person don’t deserve to live.
3. Avoid use of turn signals. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “turn signal” refers both to the little wand sticking out of the left side of your vehicle’s steering column and to the flashing light effect it produces on the exterior of the vehicle when it is moved up or down. Turn signals are an archaic leftover from the ignorant days of our great-grandparents, like castor oil, phrenology, or civic responsibility. In the bad old days, it was sometimes desirable to let other drivers know which direction you were about to turn, to save them some time and frustration or to avoid killing innocent people. In the modern world, however, turn signals serve no useful purpose. You’ve seen how insanely people drive; science proves that they really are trying to kill you. Do you want them to know what your next move is going to be? Unpredictability is one of your most potent weapons in the battle of daily driving.
4. Ignore optional laws. The US legislature and, shockingly, nearly every state legislature has passed a whole herd of laws related to you and your vehicle, because the government is evil and has goal except to make your life miserable. Luckily, grassroots organizations have managed to get the least important laws classified as optional. These laws include seatbelt regulations, reckless driving statutes, and the ever-baffling speeding laws. Of course no police officer or congressperson will tell you these laws are optional–their position requires them to give you a lecture about public safety or civic duty–but it’s pretty obvious. Look at the penalties. Failing to wear your seatbelt doesn’t get you sent to jail; you just have to pay a fine. Likewise with running so-called “stop” signs or passing vehicles that are merely doing the “speed limit” in town when there’s a solid yellow line in the road. These are clearly activities that pose no real threat to others, and “laws” regarding them represent a contemptible encroachment of private behavior by Big Government. Thanks to wise citizens’ groups, legislators have created “punishments” for these “infractions” proportionate to their potential harm. A good example is speeding. I think we can all agree that serious crimes such as armed robbery, illegally entering the United States looking for work, or public urination pose a clear danger to the very lives of Americans, and these crimes should be punished with mindlessly brutal justice. But if speeding posed that kind of danger to anyone, would states like Texas or Arizona be content with *fines* for speeders? Do armed robbers get a ticket and pay a fine? Do judges recommend that repeat border-jumpers be sent to remedial “classes” for their behavior? Do chronic pot users get away with nothing more than some points on their license? I think not. Therefore, speeding is not really a crime. In fact, the faster you drive, the more likely you are to escape the murderous impulses of the psychopaths in the other vehicles on the road.
5. Your vehicle is your manhood; behave accordingly. This rule applies mostly to men. Never forget that your vehicle is the physical embodiment of your masculinity. That is why you hang those rubber bull-sized testicles from the bumper of your Very Large Truck. What kind of man would want a small, weak masculinity, like a sedan or hybrid vehicle? A pathetic sissy-man. All real men demonstrate their virility and strength through the appearance and management of their vehicles. Yes, it’s popular these days to claim that manliness is somehow tied to things like responsibility, maturity, wisdom, or caring for loved ones. The people who say these things are not man enough to own big trucks. If your truck would have difficulty killing an entire family of six in a head-on collision with said family’s minivan, then you might as well just start wearing pink lace and high heels, Mr. Girly Girl. There is a school of thought asserting that insufficient masculinity can be compensated for with a small vehicle (e.g., VW Golf, Honda Civic, Suzuki Katana or, in truly desperate situations, a Dodge Neon) that has been modified at great personal expense to look very cool, go very fast, and ride so close to the ground that stray pennies would tear off its muffler. I concede that some missing masculinity can perhaps be reclaimed by driving such a vehicle at unsafe speeds on the expressway in a way that has a high probability of hurting at least a few innocent bystanders, but even such a semi-male vehicle owner would feel up to a 30% boost in basal testosterone levels by saving up for a decent truck.
6. Bicyclists have no rights. That’s pretty much all there is to say about this one. If bicyclists are stupid enough to believe the obviously-satirical Texas “law” about not riding on the sidewalk, then they need to learn to look behind them every few seconds and dodge your truck. And they should know that those lanes with diamonds and little pictures of bicycles in them only belong to the cyclists if you feel like allowing their use. For example, if you don’t feel like waiting in the turn lane at a traffic light, or if you see the clear necessity of passing someone in an unpatriotic small car on the right instead of the left, cyclists just need to get out of your way.